Confessions of a Food Fraud: stirring the pot

  • A true story though many names have been
changed to protect the innocent.


  • “So long as you have food in your mouth, you have solved all questions for the time being.”

    Franz Kafka


    “Every man and every woman
    has a course, depending partly on
    the self, and partly on the
    environment, which is natural
    and necessary for each. Anyone
    who is forced from his own
    course, either through not
    understanding himself, or
    through external opposition,
    comes into conflict with the order
    of the universe, and suffers
    Aleister Crowley
    I ponder this excerpt frequently
    in quiet desperation while looking
    out the window of my
    Malibu beachfront property. It is
    an excerpt by Aleister Crowley’s
    ‘Magic; in theory and practice’
    I believe in magic. Or rather I
    should say, I believe that you can
    get anything you want. You begin
    with intention, and then ride that
    horse all the way to the Kentucky
    Derby. Things come together,
    people appear, and
    synchronicities collide,
    combustible molecules form that
    reduce alchemical base metals
    into gold, water into wine.
    And so it was, on that fateful day,
    way back in the late 70’s, where
    anything went. My claim to fame
    was as a dancer on the Vegas
    strip. A rocketeer, and my legs
    did the talking. But where had it
    led me? I was living in a small 3
    bedroom house, Beverly Hills
    adjacent, a single mother, with 3
    daughters to support. And I was
    pushing 40.! I’m sure I could
    have snagged some poor
    schmuck that would foot the bill
    for my current socio-economic
    status. But why? Why not think
    As I breezed through The
    Beverly Hills Courier- a flimsy
    little magazine delivered to our
    door, graciously elevating us to
    the 90210 stratosphere, my eyes
    began to fixate on a black and
    white blurb, a small photo of a
    man playing tennis at the very
    exclusive hillcrest country club.
    Hmmmm…this might be that
    horse…I was momentarily
    interrupted by a knock on the
    door, and hurtled back into
    reality with my landlord’s request
    for the rent. He was a sleazy slick
    haired Italian and seemed to
    insinuate there were other
    methods of payment. And he always showed up when the kids
    were at school. I led him on, just
    enough to stall a week. I shut the
    door and picked up the phone.
    “Hillcrest country club? Yes, I’d
    like to sign up for tennis
    !My gorgeous rocketeer legs
    were just hitting their final stride
    before their long descent and
    they went out with a bang, in
    those tiny tennis skirts I
    purchased at Fila. It worked like
    a charm. I had Frank Nicklepants in
    the palm of my hand.
    After a few weeks of dating I
    pinpointed his weakness. A
    weakness I would exploit until
    that rock was on my finger. Sex?
    No. He was past that stage and
    Viagra hadn’t been invented yet.
    No, it was very simple. Caveman
    simple. It was food. Food, a
    direct link to a man’s heart and
    stomach. And I knew just the
    little lady who would provide the
    service. Her name was Patrice and
    she owned a catering company in
    the valley called Food for thought.
    Patrice was no ordinary
    chef. She was an artist of the
    highest echelon. Her brownies
    alone could make a grown man
    whimper if denied, and she had a
    thirst for Hermes, an insatiable
    appetite for Georgio’s and
    Theodore’s. I knew she would
    chomp at the bit…and chomp
    hard she did.

    It started with cookies. She

    charged me $80 a batch,
    equivalent to $200 in today’s
    market. It was a small price to
    pay, and besides, now I had my
    own charge accounts, and cash,
    courtesy of Frank. Soon it
    escalated to breads-$90 for a
    loaf, Bastia, Tortes, mind
    blowing pies and cakes~ $1000 a
    pop. Frank would ask me to
    entertain small dinner parties and
    I willingly obliged, with the help
    of my very own Cyrano de
    Bergerac. The cash and jewels
    started rolling in~ a Cartier
    necklace for this party, a
    diamond bracelet for that party.
    We hosted a dinner party one
    night for Ted Kennedy and Frank
    introduced me as not just the chef
    but a true artist. Patrice had
    delivered the goods early that
    morning and no one was the
    But slowly, as the romance began
    to escalate, woven tightly in a
    thick web of lies, my mind began
    to unravel. It started with a close
    call. Patrice’s husband Henry,
    delivering food early one
    morning, tripped up the sprinkler
    system and broke the clicker for
    the garage. I had given explicit
    directions for Henry to stash the
    food in our 2nd freezer, knowing
    Frank could not possibly hear the
    garage door open from our
    upstairs bedroom. Frank ran
    outside and demanded to know
    what was going on, thinking Henry
    was a thief. Henry stood there in
    soaking wet clothes with
    sprinklers splashing his face, and
    piles of Tupperware at his feet.
    He explained that I had been
    “nice enough” to let his wife use
    the freezer in the garage because
    theirs had broken down in the
    middle of the night. That was a
    close call. Then I found out that a
    housekeeper had been stealing
    from me. I threatened to call the
    police and she said that if I called
    the police she would tell Mr.
    Nicklepants exactly who did the
    cooking in the house. So I let her
    stay, and continue to steal. The
    food kept coming, each dish
    more exciting and exotic
    than the last. Frank bought my
    daughter a house, and soon I was
    hearing those wedding bells.
    Things were finally coming to
    fruition. Everything I had set my
    mind on achieving. But there was
    a problem. I was slowly
    beginning to experience multiple
    personality disorder. My lies
    were catching up with me.
    Someone at a dinner party would
    ask me the recipe for something.
    I would become paralyzed,
    frozen, scared stiff. I would
    stutter that I didn’t recall and
    would send it to them the next
    day. And so began the
    memorization of every speck
    used in the cookies, cakes, the
    bread. I was an actress playing
    the role of a lifetime and these
    were my lines. If I could just
    keep it together until we were
    married, then I’d simply say “I
    don’t feel like cooking, let’s go
    out.” One day Frank came home
    and wondered why there weren’t
    any smells in the kitchen if I had
    been cooking all day. So I
    arranged for aromas to be
    delivered, and brought home all
    the cooking utensils I would
    need. Then he wondered how
    there was no trash. So I began to
    have trash delivered, the
    wrappers from ingredients Patrice
    had used. I was living a double
    life and started to believe it
    myself. I would tell Patrice how
    exhausted I was from cooking all
    day. And I believed it.
    The day finally came when Frank
    and I tied the knot, and I could
    stop the shenanigans. But at what
    cost? I would have to lie to Frank
    for the rest of my life, and now I
    had grown to love this man. I
    wanted our marriage to be pure
    and honest, but that was
    impossible now. It would be
    based on lies, and those lies have
    kept me fragmented, all these
    years, split from myself, from my


       And now, as I look out, on the
       crashing waves hitting the shore,
       I am in a wheelchair slowly
       rolling back to the sofa. I am
       imprisoned by my dark past and
       now physical limitations. I
       wonder if I really did get what I
      wanted, or was I misguided from
     the beginning? If I had truly
     listened to myself there would
     have been no room for lies or
     manipulation, and things might
     have ended differently. I’ve heard
     it said “The end depends upon
    the beginning” and maybe this
    wheel chair is my own self
    imposed punishment, the way I
   feel it should end. I ponder that
   quote again, from the beginning
  of this story….
“Anyone who is forced from his
own course, either through not
understanding himself, or
through external opposition,
comes into conflict with the order
of the universe, and suffers
Did I follow that North Star all
those years ago, or was I forced
from my true course, not
understanding myself, and
therefore, not really knowing
what life was truly about?
Thinking the prize was that brass
ring…I now understand it is only
really about love. About giving
unselfishly, from the deepest depths of the
heart. And actually, I basically just paid
Patrice to do the hard part for me…and Frank
was happy…which is the bottom
And so, I would say it did in fact,
all work out…. in the end, which was naturally….
based on the beginning.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s